Wednesday, June 15, 2011

AN IDIOTS POV: Seven criteria for becoming successful and famous.

Okay this is probably going to be the most adult post i am ever going to put out, so allow me the liberty, (clears throat and flexes fingers). Please take the title of this post seriously, it's an idiot's point of view so this post is idiotically correct and there will be proofs.

The criteria to be successful and famous are

1. YOU MUST HAVE HAD A REALLY HOPELESS BACKGROUND: And by hopeless i don't mean you have a house and a car but your swimming in debts. No i mean hopeless, as in you have no house, no job, you live on welfare, even cockroaches run away from you. If you had a mean father and a drunk of a mum, PERFFECTTTTT!!!!. Let's take a look at some examples.

MAMA J, for instance though her mum wasn't a drunk, you get the point. She wasn't all that happy with her father, and she was leaving in squalor. Seriously it works. Go on sell off all your stuffs, have them burnt or something, and start from scratch and see what happens. It also makes for great press story, imagine if MAMA J had been writing ever since and decided to do Harry Potter series as her second series or something, it won't have that grand effect, people would be like "Oh well, she was always rich so this is just an added bonus and then she'll get maybe a week or two of press attention, and that's all. Need i talk about Will smith's back ground, Li ka shing's lost his father, Roman Abramovich was an orphan (It gets better) Mama O, aka Oprah was born to an unwed teenager in Mississipi, Richard Desmonds parents were divorced. Notice the trail of hopeless beginnings, if this does not send you a message i have no idea what else will, and its an Idiots point of view. 

At least you must have received a rather nasty bout of rejections, the more the better, and in conjuction with my first criterion, it makes for a good back story, and you get to gloat at those that rejected you. Mama J is one solid example, HARRY POTTER was rejected by twelve publishers, then we have Stephanie Meyer to whom an agent went as far as telling that she couldn't write a good story to save her life,  and the greatest of all, Amanda hockings, who was rejected by everybody and decided to do it on her own,and now she is one of the highest selling indie author.
So my dears if you've been doing so good that you have never gotten a rejection, you're doing something very wrong, and chances are that you'll remain mediocre.

I just have two words and a picture for you all , Lady

To all those planners, careful people, this is something you have to pay attention to. Look at JK ROWLING, "My train was running late and the idea just came into my head" and Stephanie Meyer, "I had this dream about a boy and a girl," she says exhilaratingly to Ellen Degeneres. "But there was something about the boy, he was glittering, and he was a vampire." There's no better example than this. They both planned nothing, their ideas did not come as a result of months and months of planning, one thought of it and the other dreamed of it there. So all you novelists that plan and write from experience, i am sorry to burst your bubbles, you're doing it all wrong, don't plan, do something spontaneous.

This cannot be overemphasized because why, it gives you the extra torque to push you forward and prove them all wrong. Lets take Mark Zuckerberg for example (DO NOT BOTHER TO COMMENT THAT IT'S A LIE MARK, I'LL SPAM YOU). Throw in a lawsuit which you win hands down, we've got the recipe for a perfect billionaire. So readers if you have friends who give you encouragement and who believe in you, ditch them and go for friends that are users, and ungrateful blithering idiots it works. FYI if you're a girl, get a boyfriend that beats you a lot, but there's a warning to that, you must have some kind of status already, if not RIRI won't have pulled it off with Chris Breezy. It's really not that difficult, try to get at least a thousand friends on facebook anybody accepts anybody's friend request this days, provoke ur boyfriend enough so he gets to beat you to a pulp (ur other girlfriends should hide somewhere with cameras) then post it on you-tube, adding this "all i could do was just watch and pray that it would all stop." 

a)Dying while trying to seperate two lionesses going at each other.
b)Stepping in front of someone just in time to take a bullet for him.
c)Dying for a girlfriend, only for the press to discover she' s been cheating all this while, and is still doing so to heal her post-ur-death depression.
d)Dying for your boyfriend (who's happily married by the way with four kids, and one is graduating high school in a week) and somehow letting the press know about this.
e)Or crashing a plane with the passengers just because you blame yourself for the mishap that happened at your house the other day.

7. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN MOLESTED AT ONE POINT IN YOUR LIFE: This point, the power of molestation, cannot be overemphasized and it's probably the most important. It almost cost me my life. It's a funny story actually i was doing a report on famous people who had been molested or traumatized and i came up with a lot of names. The patterns were similar, abusive dads, drunk mums, wicked brothers, corrupt uncles and aunties. So now, i take a bowl of cereals, walk up to my aunt Clara and show her my report asking her to molest me if she wants me to be popular and famous. Repulsed, she shoves me away but i beg and beg and finally, and with an exasperated sigh, she goes into her secret cupboard under the floorboard and brings out a bottle of Hydrochloric acid she has been saving for her husband, (that is if he ever returns) and threatens to pour it on me if i don't stop. Then she goes ahead to tell my parents who flog me to an inch of my life, and destroy my months of hard work and research. To mention a few people and to add some pictures, we have Mama O aka Oprah, Tyler Perry, Monique, need i mention more.
Maybe if they weren't molested they would not have reached where they are toDAY.

SUMMARY: I might not be making any sense or this is an idiotic post, heck you might say all this info is wrong, but hey I'm an idiot posting on J.O Jones blog, so sit your ass down, read this till the very end, read it one last time, and add another idiotic criterion to becoming rich, and just in case you are in doubt, Google wold's most successful idiot, my name is on the very top of FORBES LIST.


  1. That was kind of oddly funny, LMAO! I'm your newest follower!

  2. I hope you're being sarcastic, because you are forgetting one key factor: a good product.

    Regardless of who they are or what they were, it is the quality of the product that propels success. Not necessarily background or molestation. Amusing, but far from reality as it is possible to be. You have to realize that many of them were unknown before their WORK (note well: WORK) started receiving attention; THEN, and only THEN, did the media start paying attention; and it is a well know fact that most of what is out there is filtered and produced by a team of people, including publicists, and pure conjecture.

    You can have the most heartbreaking life story ever, but if what you're selling sucks--you will get no where.

    And as a side note, planning plays a vital role in all success stories.

    1) JK spent five years developing that "idea" into seven, tight, fantastic works of art.

    2) Stephanie Meyer spent a little over three months researching vampires and their history to better improve her "idea".

    3) Amanda Hocking did it a bit differently, because unlike the rest who developed their concepts, she just wrote it and revised, as best she could--but the element of planning came when she failed to procure a publisher and researched ways to best get her work out there. As you know, the rest is history...

    In every step of the process, planning is, in some way, vital to success. It can seem irrelevant on the outside, when you simply look at their success as just that, but if you gaze a little deeper you can always see the excellent thread work. ;)

  3. Td: IT'S AN IDIOT'S POINT OF VIEW REMEMBER...!!! Thanks for stopping by though. did you see my post about fictional characters i would love to meet, thought you might like it.

  4. But you're not an idiot!

    It was a great piece, which I gave a thrilling response to.

    And I did see that post. The characters I'd love to meet are few: Green Lantern, Dumbledore and Magneto.

    I would most def. like to do a dual post sometime. Hit me up whenever. :D

  5. This post was awesome. It was motivating and made me chuckle. Hey, I'm all of those things. I should be so successful but I haven't died yet. What do I have to lose?


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