HOW TO HANDLE BAD REVIEWS

I kid you not fellow writers and writers to be, some day you'll get a bad review, whether you like it or not. As sure as there is night and day.

Is it because your book was truly bad?

Is it because the reviewer did not just like it?

Is it because the reviewer is just bitter and looking for books to mull?

Is it because the topic in your book was plain insulting, controversial or cliché?

Whichever one, like I said above just as sure as there is the sun and the moon, you'll get one at one point in your writing career.

So the question is: HOW DO YOU HANDLE IT?

Before you consider sending out your babies for scrutiny (review), I would like you to spend a week or two on goodreads, reading one-starred reviews of books that you thought were amazing and made you dream happy dreams.

          You're going to see things like this:

Couldn't write a darn thing to save her life.

I pity the tree that this book was produced from

I completely wasted my time

I threw the book at the wall

Bella is the most annoying character ever

Malfoy is too stereotypical

The HELP needed HELP with a good editor

I could go on and on, oh yes and there's this one too:

The blandest tasting paranormal soup.

This book is hardly original, what's the fuss.

All the names I mentioned are from major best sellers so I doubt if they would mind. Why do I advice you read all these reviews?

          Because I want you to know that nobody is above bad reviews, and I also want you to be prepared for the worst.

          But even after you've read all the reviews and proofed yourself and taking a lot of anti-feel-bad pills, when your first bad review comes in, you might still lose your appetite (I know I did), lose the zeal to write again. You might even start crying and alienate your family and friends, or worse go crazy.

Here's what I have to say to you:

If symptoms persist after two days, then you're a wuss and you have no business writing, if symptoms persist after three days, then I say to you my dear child.

          “GET UP, SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE AND GET BACK TO WRITING SOME MORE.”

In a few cases though, you should read through the reviews and see if what they say is really true, or better still, write something else putting in mind the remarks and make it better.

Don't reply the reviewer, please don't do that. Don't call him or her names because you'll scare other potential reviewers who would have liked your book. 

And don't comment on their posts anonymously, because they usually know who it is, and will gossip to other reviewers about this even though they don't post it publicly.

The best way to handle a bad review is to weed it of the chaff that it is filled with, and take the most important details and try to improve.

Don't try to please anyone and don't un-publish (if you're self-published) just because of two or three bad reviews unless they were really that bad and they had something in common, or they were true and you knew but you were just too lazy to change it, and you were hoping no one would notice. Well the jokes on you because they noticed it.

Do all these and trust me, next time you get a bad review with useless trash (yes there are some useful trash) instead of constructive criticism, just laugh “Ha ha ha-” okay enough, and resist the urge to tell the reviewer a thing or two and just continue writing.

Have you had any experience with a bad review, or are you a reviewer that has been attacked for writing an unfavorable review, please tell us about your experience by commenting below.

STUPID QUESTIONS AND SARCASTIC REPLIES

I PARTICULARY hate when people are being sarcastic, especially to me, and I hate it more when they enjoy the fact that their sarcastic comments is making the other person it's directed at very angry and related. However, there are some questions, and situations that require sarcasm, below are a list of situations and questions that require the highest aount of sarcasm because they are either to obvious or otherwise to stupid to ask. RWS stands for reasons why the question is stupid.

 

 

1. At a restaurant, when someone asks you the waiter: IS THE RICE AND SHRIMP STEW GOOD?
   Answer: NO it's terrible, it's made from cement and cow dung, in fact we occasionally spit in it.
   RWS: Even if it's bad u don't expect the waiter to tell you it is, she obviously wnts 2 kip the job.

2. At a family get together when you see a very distant uncle or aunt you haven't seen in a while, and she says: Oh my, Jacob, you've grown really big.
Answer:Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
3. When you announce your wedding, and a friend asks: Is the Woman good?
Answer: NO, she's a lesbian, a whore, a wrestler and a husband beater... i'm in it for the money.
  
4. When you get woken up at midnight with a phone-call, and the caller says: Sorry, where you asleep?
Answer: (After yawning, in ur most sleepy voice, you say:) No, I was doing research whether the Zulu tribes in Africa Marry or not. You must be really stupid to think I was sleeping.
5. When you see a friend with evidently shorter hair and you ask: Hey did you get a hair cut?
Answer: No, it's autumn, plus I have systemic lupus so I am shedding.
6.A friend is closing his eyes and about covering hi head with a blanket and you ask: Are you trying to sleep?
Answer: Of course not, I am practising how to die. 

7.You're in ur office and a colleague comes to see you asking where another colleague is.
Answer: (After looking through your files, under your desk, and inside your pocket, you say: I have no idea and he's not in any of these places I just checked. 
8.You're bleeding, and someone asks: Are you ok?
Answer: (after taking a good incredulous look at the fellow, say: Yes i'm fine i'm just sitting here bleeding cos it's fun..
9. Maybe you've just woken up and you're making breakfast, and ur mother says: Are you up already?
Answer: Of course not mum, I am sleepwalking 

10. When a friend needs a number and is scrolling through your phone and when he gets to the number, he says, “This is the number to Chicken Hut right.”
Answer: No that's Victoria's Secret. 
11. You're in an elevator and someone asks: Is this the elevator to go up Answer: no this is the one to go sideways.
12.When you have your arm in strings and you're using crutches and your friends ask: What's wrong with you?
Answer: (after taking a look at your crutches and stringed arm, say: I have a tooth ache. 
13.  When you're at a bus stop waiting for a bus and someone comes up to you and ask: Are you waiting for a bus.
Answer: No, I am waiting for my flight
14.  When you're about going out in the rain and someone asks: Are you going out in this rain?
Answer: Nope, in the next one. 
15.  When you return from somewhere and your spouse asks: Are you back?
Answer: No, this is just my spirit, my body will be back in a few days. 
Now for all those who r fund of asking this stupid questions, either accidentally or cos you cant help it, come back to this blog again, and you'll see the best retaliation to sarcastic replies
 

Dumbest Tv show characters I would love to meet.

Coming in first place is our beloved Tracy Jordan of THIRTY ROCK one of my best comedy series ever. Why do i think he's stupid, you say? Well for starters what sort of father puts a pack of cigarrette and a jar of mayonaise for his son's lunch, what human sees the bright side of getting diabetes as having to get your legs amputated and fitting in wheels, what idiot sticks all his money on himself and his clothes and wears a very heavy shoe made of Gold in order to protect his assets, who pays people to re-enact a scenario only because they thought it was funny and he wasn't there to witness it, who organizes a party where there is an after party, an after after party, an after after after party, and after after after after party, no other than Tracy Jordan. I love this show and i hope it continues forever.

Coming in second place is our rascal Jena maroney, also in THIRTY ROCK and Tracy Jordan's partner in crime. She's less stupid than Tracy Jordan only because she at times convinces Tracy Jordan to do even stupid things. Why is she stupid? Well who falls inlove and dates a transvestite only because he dresses like her, who uses horses's semen to grow their hair, who thinks dragging out your words and using sign language equals spanish, who goes to an audition with a teenager and thinks she's supposed to play the role the daughter while the teenager, the mother, no other person than Jena Maroney. And she is effortlessly stupid, i love her too, lol.

If he wasn't really annoying, Phil Dunphy of modern Family should be on the top list, my God i cannot start to tell you how annoying this guy can be, and the annoying part of it is that he is kind of the character that completes the series. He has a short attention span, very untidy, what else, he has the stupidest ideas, his wife must really love him.

He has the same looks as JOhnny Bravo and apparently the same brains, it's our beloved Joey of the ended season FRIENDS. He comes in fourth because the season is ended. I don't know who on this plannet that hasn't watched friends, so i won't say much all i can say he's a dumbass and the fictional  girls he goes out and hooks up with are way dumber...

Oh she's one stupid one honestly. It's Phoebe Buffay, ou.r smelly cat star. She does it really effortlessly too, being stupid i mean, she should have been posted along side jena maroney because they are just too funny. I wouldnt mind watching a spin off with two of their characters, it'd be a riot. The only woman i know that beieved her grandmother when she told her her father was Einstein, honestly, the beird and looks did not even ring a bell. And she uses sympathy pain a lot, and she's also a bad actress, a really bad one, couldn't even act a single role Joey got for her in one of the episodes, but that doesn't mean i don't love her.

A friend of mine warned me that she would raise hell if i included Dan Humphrey in my dumb character list but i had to. But this is relatively speaking. Yes we get, you're poor, you don't have the luxury afforded to Chuck, Blaire, and Serena, but you're a good looking dude men, use it. And by the way, who accepts a baby from a known notorious trickster without having a paternity test, and my friend asked me not to put him up, Dan you's a dumb xter.

I think this is the perfect place to end this post. Haley Dunphy of Modern Family, yep, it's like father like daughter this time, and by the way Haley is the one without the classes, I would have said she's only acting her age, but Alex, the younger of the two is way intelligent.


Conclusion: I would have loved to put so many more characters, Phin of Glee, Jeremy Gilbert of Vampire diaries, Liz Lemon and Kenneth of THIRTY ROCK, Ross of friends, and a couple of orders, but i was lying down while typing this so my shoulder hurts. Well, this is the list i could put up, hope you guys could put your own comments and list of people you thought i should have added. Thanks for stopping by, next time i am going to be talking about TV doctors, the sexy, the not so sexy, the intelligent, the rascal and every other thing in between. HAPPY READING.

ONE MORE THING, BE SURE TO CLICK ON THE BOOK COVER IMAGE TO SEE WHERE IT TAKES YOU...

AN IDIOTS POV: Seven criteria for becoming successful and famous.

Okay this is probably going to be the most adult post i am ever going to put out, so allow me the liberty, (clears throat and flexes fingers). Please take the title of this post seriously, it's an idiot's point of view so this post is idiotically correct and there will be proofs.

The criteria to be successful and famous are

1. YOU MUST HAVE HAD A REALLY HOPELESS BACKGROUND: And by hopeless i don't mean you have a house and a car but your swimming in debts. No i mean hopeless, as in you have no house, no job, you live on welfare, even cockroaches run away from you. If you had a mean father and a drunk of a mum, PERFFECTTTTT!!!!. Let's take a look at some examples.

  

MAMA J, for instance though her mum wasn't a drunk, you get the point. She wasn't all that happy with her father, and she was leaving in squalor. Seriously it works. Go on sell off all your stuffs, have them burnt or something, and start from scratch and see what happens. It also makes for great press story, imagine if MAMA J had been writing ever since and decided to do Harry Potter series as her second series or something, it won't have that grand effect, people would be like "Oh well, she was always rich so this is just an added bonus and then she'll get maybe a week or two of press attention, and that's all. Need i talk about Will smith's back ground, Li ka shing's lost his father, Roman Abramovich was an orphan (It gets better) Mama O, aka Oprah was born to an unwed teenager in Mississipi, Richard Desmonds parents were divorced. Notice the trail of hopeless beginnings, if this does not send you a message i have no idea what else will, and its an Idiots point of view. 

2. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN REJECTED AT ONE POINT IN YOUR LIFE:

At least you must have received a rather nasty bout of rejections, the more the better, and in conjuction with my first criterion, it makes for a good back story, and you get to gloat at those that rejected you. Mama J is one solid example, HARRY POTTER was rejected by twelve publishers, then we have Stephanie Meyer to whom an agent went as far as telling that she couldn't write a good story to save her life,  and the greatest of all, Amanda hockings, who was rejected by everybody and decided to do it on her own,and now she is one of the highest selling indie author.

So my dears if you've been doing so good that you have never gotten a rejection, you're doing something very wrong, and chances are that you'll remain mediocre.

3. YOU MUST DO SOMETHING SO ABNORMAL OR DISGUSTING OR SO WEIRD THAT IT SEEMS AS IF IT RELATES TO THE OCCULT..

I just have two words and a picture for you all , Lady

GAGA

4.YOU MUST THINK OF SOMETHING SPONTANEOUSLY AND OUT OF THE BLUES: 

To all those planners, careful people, this is something you have to pay attention to. Look at JK ROWLING, "My train was running late and the idea just came into my head" and Stephanie Meyer, "I had this dream about a boy and a girl," she says exhilaratingly to Ellen Degeneres. "But there was something about the boy, he was glittering, and he was a vampire." There's no better example than this. They both planned nothing, their ideas did not come as a result of months and months of planning, one thought of it and the other dreamed of it there. So all you novelists that plan and write from experience, i am sorry to burst your bubbles, you're doing it all wrong, don't plan, do something spontaneous.

5: IT HELPS IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS CALL YOU A LOSER:

This cannot be overemphasized because why, it gives you the extra torque to push you forward and prove them all wrong. Lets take Mark Zuckerberg for example (DO NOT BOTHER TO COMMENT THAT IT'S A LIE MARK, I'LL SPAM YOU). Throw in a lawsuit which you win hands down, we've got the recipe for a perfect billionaire. So readers if you have friends who give you encouragement and who believe in you, ditch them and go for friends that are users, and ungrateful blithering idiots it works. FYI if you're a girl, get a boyfriend that beats you a lot, but there's a warning to that, you must have some kind of status already, if not RIRI won't have pulled it off with Chris Breezy. It's really not that difficult, try to get at least a thousand friends on facebook anybody accepts anybody's friend request this days, provoke ur boyfriend enough so he gets to beat you to a pulp (ur other girlfriends should hide somewhere with cameras) then post it on you-tube, adding this "all i could do was just watch and pray that it would all stop." 

6. IT HELPS IF YOU DIE IN THE MOST REMARKABLE WAY: Here are some examples.

a)Dying while trying to seperate two lionesses going at each other.

b)Stepping in front of someone just in time to take a bullet for him.

c)Dying for a girlfriend, only for the press to discover she' s been cheating all this while, and is still doing so to heal her post-ur-death depression.

d)Dying for your boyfriend (who's happily married by the way with four kids, and one is graduating high school in a week) and somehow letting the press know about this.

e)Or crashing a plane with the passengers just because you blame yourself for the mishap that happened at your house the other day.

7. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN MOLESTED AT ONE POINT IN YOUR LIFE: This point, the power of molestation, cannot be overemphasized and it's probably the most important. It almost cost me my life. It's a funny story actually i was doing a report on famous people who had been molested or traumatized and i came up with a lot of names. The patterns were similar, abusive dads, drunk mums, wicked brothers, corrupt uncles and aunties. So now, i take a bowl of cereals, walk up to my aunt Clara and show her my report asking her to molest me if she wants me to be popular and famous. Repulsed, she shoves me away but i beg and beg and finally, and with an exasperated sigh, she goes into her secret cupboard under the floorboard and brings out a bottle of Hydrochloric acid she has been saving for her husband, (that is if he ever returns) and threatens to pour it on me if i don't stop. Then she goes ahead to tell my parents who flog me to an inch of my life, and destroy my months of hard work and research. To mention a few people and to add some pictures, we have Mama O aka Oprah, Tyler Perry, Monique, need i mention more.

Maybe if they weren't molested they would not have reached where they are toDAY.

SUMMARY: I might not be making any sense or this is an idiotic post, heck you might say all this info is wrong, but hey I'm an idiot posting on J.O Jones blog, so sit your ass down, read this till the very end, read it one last time, and add another idiotic criterion to becoming rich, and just in case you are in doubt, Google wold's most successful idiot, my name is on the very top of FORBES LIST.

FICTIONAL CHARACTERS I WOULD LOVE TO MEET IN REAL LIFE

Hello, so i think i should take a break from reading for my exams for a while, and blog about something. I was thinking of a few things, looking for something to write about, and then something struck me, i was wondering, what fictional characters i would want to meet, and i came up with a list. and here it goes......

*Calypso: The very one in the Pirates of the Carribean3. i would love to meet her because she is cunning, wicked and very rugged, plus she's the god of the sea, so that counts for something.

 *Magneto in the movie, you have got to love this guy, very realistic villain and smart. I could learn a lot from him i am sure. It's not just about the power he has, but the swag in which he uses it, so cool, check out when he was releasing mystique and juggernaut in Xmen three, the last stand, cool.

*Voldermort: There really is no difference between voldermort and Magneto just that one is more sensible and the other is more deadly apart from that they both have the same superiority complex issues. Call me saddist or whatever but i just think you can learn a lot from both of them, but a note of caution, the addage forgive and forget means nothing to this dude.

Professor Xavier: You see though i'd like to meet him, i am not very impressed with this one. Give a bad guy his powers and see him move mountains with it. i'd like to meet him cos i need to wipe a few people's memories and mine of some incidents that have happened through out my days, lol. He's okay, just okay.

*Dumbledore: Another unimpressive good guy, (i love him, no offense) but i just think good people should take a leaf from bad guys and be swift to action. I would love to meet this guy, learn a few tricks and have a nice long chat with him on his journeys and how he knows so much.

*Optimus Prime: One cos he's so cool, two cos he's so cool, three  cos he's so cooool, and i get to ride in any car i want.

 *Ororo Munroe: I had a hard time figuring if it was halle or Storm i wanted to meet, eventually it was truly storm. There's something about women in uniform that gets me nuts, but throw in some sexiness with mutant powers then i am good to go. She's a bit disappointing though, the norm with good powerful people, like in the xmen last stand movie, the way quick silver dealt with her, i thought she should have fried her ass off with some lightening the first time they met.

*Tony Stark: He's got the swag, he's got the money, the brains, the gadget, what more do you want. Wish he was my friend, it'll say a lot of things about me, lol.

*Cullen family: Bunch of idiots if you ask me. You are vampires for pitssake, live your deaths, have fun. I would like to have a word with them. I like Emmet he's cool, Alice should evolve or something and put her powers to good use. Edward should come work for me, and the rest, bleh.

*Wolfpack: First and foremost you idiots, you made me go and register in a gym only to give up after two days due to the fact that you failed to talk about how difficult and painful it is to achieve distinct abs, yes i blame you guys it should have been incorporated in your scripts. That being said, i think i would like to have wolves for friends, beg them to transform sometimes and take them for walks and have people stare.

These are just a few of the characters i would love to meet, next post would be the type of fictional characters that i would love to take their places. You have seen it all, who wouldn't love to be calypso and control the sea even if it is for one day, or magneto and have the power to bend metal at will, or Voldermort and have people fear  your name, and be extremely intelligent and conscience-less, or Xavier and get everything you want in this life, or storm so you can open the heavens and pour down rain to nations who need it, and make it a bit cooler in Ukraine cos the sun is biting, or be Tony Stark and have all the money in the world plus brains, or Optimus Prime and be invisible, or dumbledore in his eccentric ways. SOME PEOPLE might not want to be wolves but i know i would like to have packs and be fit so i don't mind taking off my shirt during those hot days and having the girls look and let their imaginations run wild, SERIOUSLY half of the work is already done after they've had that look. which character would you like to be, let me read your thoughts.

The one thing i wanted when i was a kid, what did you want.

I don't know why i suddenly thought of this, but i did, and no matter how rubbish it is i want to write it quickly before i realize it is truly rubbish. It's a funny thing actually. We all know of course that when we were kids, we always wanted that one thing, there was always something we obsessed over.

Maybe it was a power ranger costume, new toy guns, a new barbie doll, a box of legos, some colorful trainers we just saw a kid actor wear on T.V, the latest action figures and all, now these are the list of normal things that most kids wanted.

Then we had those obsessions that weren't necessary normal but still understandable. Like some kids wanted glasses just because they thought it made the face look unusual, some wanted casts and slings for their perfectly okay arms just because they some some kid work it in a movie or saw some children sign on it and thought it was cool. Some other kids wanted those inhalers for asthma patients, not that they wanted the asthma (i doubt they knew what asthma was then) but they just loved the way those actors (that's mostly where they picked these things) sucked on it, and thought it was hilarious to press something a get a whiff of whatever it was that was inside there, (now i know it's a Beta adrenomimetic drug)

Well, all these obsessions are, though bizarre, well understandable, but how do you explain a child that was obsessed with a wheel chair from the age of four or so, boy i don't really remember but i know i was damn stupid. I don't remember the movie that made me want it but i just know it involved a woman whose spirit or personality or  something had been removed and placed into another's or something along that line.

I remember i kept bugging my parents for one, and i couldn't understand why they would not get one for me, (even though now i think they were being very lenient seeing as they did not knock some sense into me, and lock me up in my room till the sense set in) they were wheel chairs for crying out loud, i get to sit on them and push myself  around, and i wouldn't have to walk. I know right now you're probably thinking i was a very dumb kid, well you can say that again.

Ten years or so later, as i write this blog, i don't know if you will find this funny, heck you might read this and say something like (will dis  dude get a life, or i just wasted five minutes of my time) but if you're one of those that can in  anyway relate put your comment below, tell me what was your most bizarre obsession when you were a kid, let's see if you can top this.

I am just happy though that my parents didn't decide to create the need for me to use a wheel chair (come to think of it that would have been the fastest way to shut me up) and thank God that i am not using a wheel chair, and will never use one.